So as far as parenting goes, this is starting late in the game. But, eight days ago we dropped Ashley off at college 2 1/2 hours away from home. We had spent two years visiting colleges, reading up on all of the how to's and applying for scholarships. We finally narrowed it down to three schools and decided it would come down to who could offer the most money and also that if her room and board was not covered, she would have to live at home. Because although we were willing to do whatever it would take to help her get a college education, it did not make good financial sense to go into debt for room and board and have nothing to show for it. Thankfully, we were blessed in that, (after many many scholarship applications and countless essays) she received a full ride scholarship. Unfortunately, it was to the school farthest from home. But, how could I not be super proud of her!? Not to mention the huge looming financial burden that lifted off of us! One of her best friends from school was going to be her roommate, which gave me a lot of peace about her going to a new city alone. So, the quest began to gather up the things that she would need to manage her own little household. This is something I really spent a lot of time on because I felt like it was really the last big project I was going to get to help her with. (Or they would at least be much more sparse.) So, all summer we created a stockpile of dishes and toiletries and decorations and other necessities. And as time drew closer, the excitement turned into anxiety. All of our planning was drawing way too close to doing. I stayed distracted making a last minute tshirt quilt and game day overalls. By now I could feel the anticipated sadness and emptiness setting in. When the big move in day came, I had been told not to let them see you cry. And I was proud that I made it all the way home and got everyone in bed before I shed one tear. I was, after all, excited for her and had 3 more kids at home to get adjusted to their new school year. So I just set off to stay busy and get used to another new normal. I missed her a lot, the house felt empty, I worried she might be having a tough adjustment too. Everything I had expected. But, as the week wore on, a new feeling crept in. One of anger. Towards ALL of the kids. I felt left, unappreciated and.... betrayed. For 18 1/2 years, I had wiped poop and snot, cleaned up vomit and messy rooms, done laundry and dishes, driven carpool and run fundraisers, stayed up late nights with sickness and homework and broken hearts, delivered forgotten luches and homework, planned parties and made last minute get ups for game days or other functions, and given up trips and functions of my own because I felt guilty about leaving the kids. I had loved and served in every way possible until I was reduced to ashes and THRIVED ON IT! I wouldn't trade being able to stay home with my kids for anything! But with her just up and gone, I just felt like it was a slap in the face and soon enough, I was going to experience this 3 more times. The best way I can articulate this is to imagine after 20 years of marriage, I told my husband that after all we've been through and shared there's some adventures for me in another city. I am just going to go up there foe 4-6 years and get an apartment and check out the restaurants and farmers market and take in some museums and shows and I might call or text in between all those outings if I get a chance. I may come home occasionally if a better offer doesn't come up, but he's still my husband and despite my apparent lack of concern for him, or the fact I wont be around much, we should maintain our current relationship. And the best part is he gets to foot the bill for it all! Shouldn't he be excited about that!? People would think I was a lunatic. So, I understand we raise our kids to fly away. And wow! She is a great one! And I really am SO proud of her and SO excited for her and I can't wait to see the things she will accomplish. But to me to just send someone you love away after spending 18 years with them seems a LOT crazy right now, and I am having a hard time wrapping my head around it. I am guessing maybe this experience is similar to death as it feels very similar as far as the loss but also the stages of emotions, from shock of its really happening, to sadness over she's gone, and now anger over she left me. I know acceptance must be coming soon. But just as baffled as I was to bring home a newborn baby for the first time and be charged with raising her to be healthy and happy and well rounded, I feel equally confused and unfit to now just send her off into the world. And I feel so duped that no one ever mentioned that I would feel anything more than sad.
